http://snapshotsarah.tumblr.com/

just follow the link. And thanks for reading!!~! <3

Most are DYING TO KNOW who it was.

The question, “Is she prettier than me?” leaps to mind.

And the most dreaded of them all:

“What does she have that I don’t have?”

After asking those, REALLY think, ladies — do you really want to know?

I myself, am starting to believe that I really don’t want to know. I’d rather be oblivious to that “her.” Because first off, it’s not like you’re in a relationship in the first place.

So why care?

* * *

What if.. the answer to, “What does she got that I don’t have” is.. “She’s NOT you.”

What if the answer was,”Well, You’re NOT as pretty as her.” or  ”You’re NOT as petite as her.”  or “I find her more interesting.” or ”You’re too tall.” ..”  etc etc.. . whatever.

FACT IS, It doesn’t matter.

Bottom line is: He chose her. NOT YOU.

QUIT beating yourself up about it… Can’t we just… stop?

It’s not the end of the world.

How do you define life? The state of living or being alive? A happy home, a family, a few kids, a dog.. and a cat? Or accomplishing your dreams? Or.. How about being financially wealthy? Or working hard enough to live off your retirement pension? What about finding your true love? Your SOULMATE. Finding the One. Is that what life is all about?

Life is a misconception.

You, my dear, are a living vessel of flesh and bone. Some believe you have a soul that’ll stay with you until the afterlife. Some believe in reincarnation. Some also believe we were created in the image of God and this body we are in, is only temporary.

Well, whatever you believe.. Theories and Facts aside, You Know what it is.. The answer lies in your heart and/or mind. Life is whatever you want it to be. Deal with It. Happiness.. What is happiness to you?–would be the real question.

* * *

I wish I had unfaltering ambition to follow my dreams. Sadly, I’m the type to admire the dreams of others whilst loosely hanging onto my own.

It’s not so much my fault, ignorance is the one defining character trait on my dads’ side of the family..

Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t point fingers. My manager once told me, “Maybe it’s about time you take full responsibility for your actions instead of blaming it on someone else.”

Naturally that statement really pissed me off later on.

But it’s still true.

Nobody is going to guide you through life and hold your hand like when you were a kid crossing the street. People, parents, friends, only serve as guides.

So what if.. You’re not sure about this “life” in general? What if–you’re not sure about your own dreams?

What if the sign you’ve been waiting for never comes? What if you misinterpret your existence?

I used to hate people that went the extra mile. You know the ones that had good grades and everyone used to say, “Now that guy/girl really knows where they’re going in life.” God knows, I REALLY hated their guts.

***

Then I met a few people who knew with a passion that they wanted to sing.. or be a musician.. Or a comedian for that matter.

To this day, I admirably watch as distant acquaintances work so hard to pursue their dreams.

And I can’t help but feel strangely humbled–yet envious at the same time.

Perhaps I should take initiative of my own. But what if I’m afraid?

What if I choose the wrong one? What if I don’t have the discipline to follow through?

I probably have a complex or something.

(Peterpan?)

* * *

I met this lady at the train station once, I was at a happy period in life, everything seemed to be going right. To which, I confessed to her, (after she asked) that I wanted to be famous.

She told me, “Even if you don’t become famous. You can be famous in your own little world or society.(neighborhood, etc.)” . . My first thought was, “No, I KNOW I‘m GOING somewhere.”

I just shrugged and told her, “I guess.”

Time has passed from that brief “conversational insight,” and I find it to be even more true than I thought.

* * *

What if you’re the type like me, that has opportunities placed at their lap, and throws it away because their afraid of being confined?

God knows, I’d rather be a slacker than work in a cubicle.

And why would I want to be a Supervisor? I hate having too much responsibility. I don’t even like my job.

Sometimes I intentionally set myself up for failure–because it requires less stress and work.

I’m really my own worst enemy.

* * *

So..

Are we the tormented geniuses with wasted potential? What happens to us?

Am I one of those destined to have life thrashed upon me (pregnancy, some catastrophic event, etc.), so I won’t have to choose?

What happens next if I’ve gotten so content with being the audience of life?

To be continued?

I really wished that you’d turn around. I really wished that you’d look for me. Instead, your eyes focused on what was ahead of you. I scrambled down the staircase, bumping into peoples elbows, scurrying past the crowd towards the door trying to catch you.. It wasn’t until I saw you fading into the darkness outside, that I realized I was alone.. No one was chasing me.

This sad realization made me stop for a moment, knowing that no matter how hard I tried, you’d always leave me behind. I shook it off, sighed, and made my way home.

I don’t want to wait in vain for you, but I know I will. That’s the sad reality.

I’ll still wait for that moment where you show your affections towards me like in my dreams..

I’ll still wait willingly, knowing, that it may never come true.

Blue skies.

The wind was blowing a crisp, cool breeze, making the tree limbs dance and twirl in the heavens above. 

Seagulls flew over the shadows of the green tarp where the huddled masses of people wearing all black stood and cried.

Many talked of old memories and laughed at outrageous things “he” said before his passing. 

A weeping sob and words initiated a silence, and all was quiet.

“My heart hurts. Oh God, my heart hurts,” is all his daughter could manage to say as she watched the coffin slowly descent into several feet of darkness in the earth below.

“Let him go. Let him go.” was spoken by another sobbing member of the service.

“It was his time. I don’t know why they’re crying.. It’s only his vessel here, going into the dirt. He’s already in heaven,” is what I said to myself.

I hate funerals.

Afterwards, I kept thinking about many of the dreams and goals I made for myself that I never accomplished. My life felt incomplete. I wondered if my grandfather fulfilled all of his dreams before his passing. Did he do everything he set out to do?

Have you?

What if you had a few dreams.. and weren’t very good at any of them? what then?

Do you pursue that 9 to 5 job.. or any tedious job for that matter?

Is this the part when you lose hope?

Is this the part when you realize you can’t do anything but cry?

Crying is pointless. It fixes nothing.

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.” –Henry David Thoreau

Be brutal. Don’t lie to me about “how good” I did..

“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.”–is what my stepfather Ray used to say.

“Tomorrow’s another day”–my father messages to me.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow.. I’ve been waiting for this “tomorrow” for years..

“I miss you..” …  ”We should hang out sometime.” .. “If only you still lived here.”

Majority of the people who say that, are full of shit.

Yeah, I said it.

Because one uneventful trip back into town for the summer, you’ll call up those so-called friends.. Only to realize, they haven’t (and won’t) make any time… for you.

That’s what happened to me.

* * * * *

Seriously, sometimes I feel as if, when I finally put myself out there, when I FINALLY take the initiative to make plans.. Most people take it for granted–they take me… my heart, my emotions, all for granted.

In the end, I realized you should NOT make yourself too available or else you’ll be vulnerable to being hurt. True story.

* * * * *

One friend, who will remain unnamed, broke my pride–without her even realizing it.

There was a party, most of everyone was kind of awkward, especially myself.

Us ladies were in a small circle, speaking up every time there was an awkward silence.. I was nervous about talking to a girl I used to look up to. She used to be a hero of mine (though I never told her that). Towards to end of our conversation, she walked away saying, “I’ll be right back.” I smiled and nodded politely.

Minutes later, I realized she completely ditched our group for another one, which happened to be right behind me.. She never came back.

Normally, it would mean nothing to me and I would shrug it off.. But it did.

Because I used to do that to people that annoyed me in the past.

To me, “I’ll be right back” actually meant, “You’re boring me. I’m going to find people more entertaining (and better than you) to socialize with.”

And it hit me–that impact of rejection– hit me hard.

I thought about all those real nice people I told that “I’ll be right back” lie to.

I was now one of them. The hopelessly rejected.

That specific girl friends’ party I went to, I made up an excuse to leave saying that I felt embarrassed in front of a guy I like (whom was there).. Which was partially true, I DID made a fool of myself in front of him. But the real reason was, I was now one of those “socially awkward losers” that I turned my back on.

I was on the verge of tears. I felt like an idiot. I also felt like a jerk for doing that to those really good people.

* * * * *

My point is: Don’t say something unless you really TRULY mean it.

Don’t give anyone false hope. By God, don’t leave them hanging on because it only hurts worse when they figure out the truth later. It’s just plain cruel. Be a good person, try not to lie or leave someone in omission. Treat others with kindness that they deserve.

* * *

And you know what’s funny? Most people who say, “No one understands them” or “I have no friends,” they are the same people who rejected those “socially awkward losers” and  you know what?? They get what they derserve.

Loneliness is the price you pay.

Two days ago, after a long day/walk, I decided to go to McDonald’s to refuel. (for extra energy on the walk back home)

With 10 dollars in my pocket (which is completely irrelevant to the story) I pulled out my wallet as I watched the customer finish ordering… As this black guy with his boxers hanging out of his jeans walked away, I noticed that he left his cell phone at the register. I quickly grabbed the cell phone said, “Sir?..You phone?” (Manners are good.) Two seconds later he realized that he almost left it.. And he exclaimed that he always loses his phone.

==>Fast Forward==>

So there we were standing next to eachother with receipts in our hands, waiting on our orders.. I made small talk about how people lose their phones a lot at my work… and he replied that he always loses his.. etc etc.

Finally, he collected his order.. and as I nodded a courtesy “goodbye,” I noticed that he hovered a little until I got my order.

===>Fast Forward===> He asked for my “digits”. I, completely baffled (as to this being the first time a guy my age has EVER asked for my number) turned away while grabbing my order and said, “Hold on.”

I don’t know why I said hold on. Perhaps I just wanted a friend in the city..

===>Fast Forward==> [He ditched his friends, telling his female friend he's acting on an "impulse"---to sit..with me.] ==>

I sat down, hungrily unwrapping my cheap McChicken out of the wrapper. This guy sits across from me as we awkwardly prepare to eat our food.

We start out with small talk. He asks for my favorite color, to which I say, “I don’t have one… ..wait, maybe black.” (I felt kinda racist that when I said “Black” I was staring at his skin tone, hoping he wasn’t getting the impression that I liked “HIM” .. :/)

* * *

Then he went off about how he was looking for a relationship and how he’s tired of partying. He seemed generally good. Besides the fact that he flaked out his female friend two tables away who was currently staring me down angrily from the corner of my eye. 

* * *

I tried to tell myself to not judge a book by it’s cover. Sure, he may be wearing an American Eagle shirt (that I’m totally against) that was too tight for his muscular torso.. and baggy pants with his old boxers hanging out.

I figured, “You know what? Most people I’m really judgemental about end up being really great friends after I get over the whole “looks” thing. What if I miss out on an incredibly cool person here?”

So I sat there nodding in agreement to his speech about “getting to know someone.” (I was half-listening)

That is.. until he said something that I thought was suspicious.

Here’s a little bit of how the conversation went..

Guy:I LOVE romantic movies.

Me: Oh really? (This was me testing him) Which one is your favorite??

Guy: Promise not to laugh at me?

Me:oh psh. I won’t laugh. (I wasn’t, truthfully.)

Guy: The Notebook.

Me: Ha. Wow. That’s pretty cheesy. (I really mean’t that.)

Guy: Well, I mean.. (he looked as though he was searching for the right words to say) I also like Titanic too..

Me: Really? (I wasn’t convinced.) Why?? (he continued to talk.. but completely disregarded my “why” question)

* * * * *

Naturally I judge character on how people act, what people say, and how they present themselves. That’s just how I was raised; especially with a protective father.

Here’s the thing.. First off, Titanic came out in 1997. Approximately 13 years ago. (can you believe that?) The Notebook came out..oh say, 6 years ago. If a guy REALLY TRULY LOVED romantic movies, wouldn’t his ROMANCE movies be a little more updated?

That’s when I started thinking, maybe he thought that’s what I wanted to hear. I realized, most of what I said in our conversation–he agreed with and pretended to know what I was talking about… ..  

“Fine, I’ll play his little game,” I thought to myself, “I’ll let his know I’m not the girly girl he thinks I am. I’ll show him that I’m COMPLETELY unlike the others.. maybe I’ll even exaggerate a little..It’s my turn now.”

Guy: So what’s your favorite movie??

Me: Honestly, 500 Days of Summer.. (I went out of context here.. [I DO WHAT I WANT!!]) but I ALSO love equally as much.. FIGHT CLUB. I mean, the book is better–but ..have you seen it? You know the one with Brad Pitt?

Guy: Yeah, yeah.

Me: I’m totally into the noncomformist kind of stuff like that, ya know? (I boldly stared at the logo on his shirt– a hint that he didn’t catch) … I like how it explains that we’re all consumers and what not..and how sometimes buying products takes over our lives… (I was trying to freak him out)

Guy: -agrees-

===>Fast Forward===> I explain to him that my friends say that I was probably a guy in my former life.. because I like Fight Club.. and I’m afraid of commitment.. etc etc.==>

All the while, he listens like he’s still interested, which bugged the hell out of me. My failed attempts to scare him away only…intrigued him.. (??)

===>Somewhere between all this, he gives me his number..and possibly a fake name.===> ===>

===>Fastforward==>He walks me to the train station (a gentleman??ish??) and tries to give me a farewell hug. I do a half-assed “this-is-only-ever-gonna-be-a-friendship-and-that’s-it” hug.. which is basically a reluctant half-hearted pat on the back hug that I only give to guys i’m NOT interested in.

* * * * *

As I sat there feeling a little bit confident about myself being attractive, I looked down only to remember that I was still in work clothes… PLUS my hair was greasy and messy from the wind.. “What could that guy have seen in me??” I wondered. I thought about calling him–partially because I wouldn’t mind some company…but… What if… he wanted “more”, if you know what I mean. Obviously that’s probably all he wanted… Maybe he thought I was a “easy lay”. I refused to be a victim of sexual pressure. And after a while of feuding disagreements in my head, I deleted his number from my cell phone. I felt smart. In fact, I still feel smart. 

* * * * *

Okay, so “WHAT IF” he meant everything he said. WHAT IF.. maybe he truly didn’t know any better and TITANTIC AND THE NOTEBOOK were his favorite movies.. .. . … …… ……. ….. “Yeah Right.”

I’ll follow my instincts on this one and never call him back. . . . and avoid ever going to that McDonald’s again.

My point is, even if a guy seems nice, be on your guard. ANALYZE and THINK before you react.

Be rational when he’s feeding you crap about how he wants to “settle down”. Especially when he’s being vague.

Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Later during car ride..

I sat in the passenger seat of the car, bundled up, looking in awe as the white crystal snowflakes hit the windshield off the highway with the furiosity of the cold wind and rain.

I was new to this miraculous spectacle; it was the first time I’ve seen this much snow. I turned toward my mother, whom was driving our silver compact car, and I said in the most high child-like voice, “Do you know what snow signifies to me?”

Distracted by driving and meddling with her cell phone, my mother asks, “What?”

I replied, in the most earnest tone, gazing at the heavens above, “Hope.”

*  *  *  *  *

That Morning

I woke up that morning confident that I wouldn’t let this opportunity pass me by. You see, I had never seen snow before and every time I had the chance to–I’d accidentally sleep in and let it pass me by. The closest thing I saw to snow was a few years ago was when we had a Ice Storm while I was in Intermediate School OR that time we had flurries for an hour in the middle of the night when I was sixteen..four years ago.

This time, despite my weak body due to a cold I contracted from my mother three days before, I would finally see it.. I would finally see snow. Besides, I still had some late Christmas shopping to do. After all, it’s would also be the first time I’d buy gifts out of my own pocket.. This day, would be a BIG DEAL.

With great anticipation, I put on my beaten brown leather jacket and wrapped my new expensive green Michael Kors scarf [that my mom's fiance bought me for Christmas] around my neck. I dug into my jacket and slipped on my striped blue and white gloves.

*

As I walked down the sidewalk to the garage, I looked down to see spots of white pellets gathering on my scarf. I couldn’t help but feel ecstatic, “Oh my God. I’m walking in snow!!” I whispered happily to myself, smiling.

* * * * *

That Afternoon

My mother decided to drop me off in the parking lot near some stores telling me to take the train home.

I climbed out of the car only to be greeted by 10mph wind, rain, and light snow, making me loose balance.

 Then as I made my way toward the entrance of PetSmart, I was nearly blinded by the heavier snow.

 ”Argh! This was a bad idea and it’s only gonna get worse. They said so on the news.” I grumbled to myself as I pulled my hood over my head.

*

As I walked through the snow, wind, and rain all day–it only seemed to get worse.

The little girl inside of me was crying, “The snow hurts my eyeballs.”

* * *

After shopping, dodging speeding cars, I made my way to the train station. And when I got to Lovers Lane Station, as I was walking to the ticket machine, the train arrived. I bowed my head in defeat–knowing that I’d have to wait for the next one.

I looked up at the train hopelessly disappointed, when I noticed the train engineer hand signaling that he’d wait for me. I grinned and ran toward the ticket machine, hurriedly clicking the buttons and putting my money in.. I yanked my ticket and ran as fast as I could to the other side of the tracks.  I came to the side train door, pressed the open button, only to hop in and be greeted by people staring rudely at me with resentment.   

*

 I didn’t care. I am grateful to that engineer. Without his patience, I would’ve been waiting out in the cold. 

For a while now, I was starting to lose hope in people. Especially working retail where we sold so much Christmas supplies and gifts, there’s not too much Christmas spirit in workers or friendly customer faces (due to long lines and mislabeled prices).

I sat there in the train feeling strangely warmed by this small kind gesture.

It didn’t bother me, the fact that I could sense people staring me down angrily.

It’s ridiculous how upset people get over small things, which is something I refuse to let myself do.

Patience is indeed a virtue, and believe me–working retail, I know the person ringing your items up will be grateful that you haven’t lost your temper.

*

 There’s really nothing else to say.

I got my wish to see snow for the first time.

Sometimes you get the things you wish for after a few years of waiting…

Maybe next time I’ll make a miniature snowman.